Grief

The beginnings of my book The Rantings and raves if a wounded widower began after my beautiful Sammy my eldest daughter from my second marriage passed away from cancer that is another whole story on its own but going back to the reason this book began was my wife was absolutely broken and we spent many nights with her howling about Sammy and my trying to comfort her with little or no success my wife changed and I think let me stress I think she fell into this channel of loneliness that only I could see but her every day attitude remained the same but we new it was different.
Life went on but Mandy was never the same again So I would lie besides her at night I was always first to fall asleep a bad trait my mind rests easily and it doesn’t take me more then 5 minutes and I am in lala land this made for an issue in our lives with Mandy wanting to talk and me just sleeping anyway some nights actually quite often I would wake around 2 am looking at my wife asleep next to me and began thinking about our current situation which was in not in a good place and opened up my note book and began writing about our situation this was the beginning of my book I was obviously unaware that it would turn out as such I just wrote about how I was feeling which was very sad that ours was the family to be torn apart and not understanding why my wife had changed such a lot.
It was only 4 years later that it hit me like an out of control train that it was me that was the problem and then I understood but that was much to late IF ONLY I had realized this then.These poems were about us and the place we had got ourselves into which we never got out of until it was to late.
Even today I have this problem of falling asleep sometimes chatting on my phone and waking hours later to discover the unhappiness of that person I left in midair.
I suppose we all wish we were different and I wish I could be this outgoing happy go lucky always ready for a party person but I am totally the very opposite and quite boring to be around.

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